Opal Siren

My life in dreams

My ten-year-old self


 

The other day, I was in my truck with my husband. I do not remember where we were headed or where we were coming from. Somehow, we got into a conversation about our personalities and our careers. Then, I started to talk to my husband about how I always did what was expected of me and still do because of the intense fear of not being accepted. I have deep security, abandonment and acceptance issues. All of these issues combined with years of traumatic events have really affected my decisions and how I am wired. 

My husband, who is very secure in himself, despite a difficult upbringing, turned to me and asked a very simple question that struck a nerve deep within me. He said: “What would you say to your 10-year-old self?”. 

This question really left me perplexed, surprised, it made me uncomfortable and angry. “I don’t know!” I replied. I suddenly got very defensive and felt out of control. 

After a moment of silence, I started to have flashbacks of myself as a little girl. I started to sob at the realization that all I wanted to do was reach out to that young, helpless girl and just hug her. I just wanted to protect her and hold her as tight as I could. Then, I started to think about how one day my children may ask about my past, my childhood, and my experiences. I realized that I need to work on these issues in a healthy way. I need to once and for all confront my past issues so that I can have a dialogue with my children and most importantly, so that I do not repeat the same destructive behaviors that I had to go through. 

I started to think about all the things I said to myself as a child that I wanted to do when I was a “grown-up”. I want to make that little girl from my flashback proud and that every moment of pain, neglect, suffering, and every other thing that chipped away at her joy was worth it. I want to tell her that happiness is here and we are ok. 

As mad as I was at my husband for pushing that uncomfortable button, I am happy to have a friend that is willing to challenge me and make me a better person. I feel that everyday I am a better woman because he challenges me from a place of love. I am so blessed to have his support and constant encouragement when I was used to so much loneliness; even at points in my life when I should have been playing and laughing out loud. 

So, I have embarked on a spiritual quest of healing and making myself a better person. I even updated my bucket’s list to say the things that my inner being really wants. I hope to give updates on my meditation journey and many other practices for spiritual well-being. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Happy Reading!!!!

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A little meditation for me


For the past two months, I have been experimenting and researching about mediation, the power of our thoughts and yoga. In my quest, mostly through the OWN network, I have found some really good books to read, like A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle , and some really good philosophies on life, like Zen Buddhism.

I have been plagued by questions like: What is my purpose in this life? What can I do to be a better person or make a better contribution to the world around me? Why am I always so worried and anxious?

I do not have the answers to these questions, but through mediation, reading and being with my thoughts,  I have found some inner peace and time to spend with my inner self. Slowly, I am getting closer to the answers I need to alleviate some of my frustrations and concerns about my life.

I have to admit that I am a bit obsessed with Super Soul Sundays on the Own Network. If it was not for Oprah and these shows, which are broadcasted every sunday, I don’t know if I would at least be asking myself the right questions, like: “How can I connect more to others?”

But the most important lesson I have learned through this quest, is that I am already connected to nature and to God. I am not some entity on my own in this world. I have a connection with my fellow humans and with everything that lives on this planet. I am a human but I am also a soul with a spirit. There is some divinity in me and every single human on this Earth. I really have been able to understand myself  and others better. I also have been able to understand my religion and other religions as well, because I am more conscious that I am connected to everything and everything is connected to me.

It is in my humble opinion, whether you are a religious person or not, that mediation can really help us connect with our true beings and most of all help us be more authentic in our relationships. It can really calm us and quiet our inner voice for just a few moments, so that we can collect ourselves. Meditation can also better help us hear what it is that God, the universe or the energies that are, want from us as humans and as divine beings.

I am so grateful to have found sources of inspiration like Ekhart Tolle, so that I can at least ponder on their philosophies and bring more perspective and understanding to my own life. I truly hope that this journey helps me make better choices and eventually allows me to connect even more to nature. I hope that if you are interested in a journey like this, that you can also share me with me your own thoughts.

 

Happy Reading!

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Reaching out for the good in life


Last night I had a horrific nightmare. (PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PRONE TO SCARE EASILY)

I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and scared to death! I could not catch my breath, and the horror of what I just had seen would not go away from my mind.

I woke up my husband and began to sob like a child. There was nothing that could comfort me and to be honest I am still freaked out by this dream. I was so tempted to call my mother in AZ, but due to the time difference it would had worried her.

I dreamed that I was in very dark room in what appeared to be a castle. The room was cold and I could barely see right in front of me. I kept seeing ghosts walking in front of me but could not tell who they were or what they wanted.  It seemed that they were just walking without any purpose and it was a tactic by an evil presence to scare me.

I saw one of my younger brothers (who is 15-years-old and is also a twin) laying in a bed in a horrific state…He was possessed by a demon. Worst of all he kept taunting me and looking straight at me as to antagonize me. His teeth were pointy and his face kept changing to that of a monster. I felt the presence of something very evil around me and I felt lonely and scared. I kept looking around for help but there was no one I could reach out to. I truly felt like the presence of God was no were to be found. I kept praying over and over for protection. But the more I prayed the sadder and scarier I felt.  It was not until I yelled in my dream: “In the name of Jesus Christ, whatever is not supposed to be here must leave and leave me in peace”, that I woke up scared, vulnerable and shaken.

My husband tried to comfort me, but I was shaking uncontrollably. I tried to go about my day the best I could, but the memory of this dream keeps coming back and each time it scares me even more. I  never again want to feel like the presence of God is nowhere to be found and coldness and loneliness prevails.

I normally try to rationalize what the dream means or what I am going through in my life that would trigger such a dream. This time I just prayed. Maybe there are things we are not supposed to know and this is a serious warning. I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I just want the peace and clarity that prayer and the presence of good brings into my life.

The meaning of this dream is not relevant. Things will happen as they should and sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent it. All I can do is surrender to God and let him take charge. I never again want to be without his love, his presence, his mercy and his comfort.  I know for sure there is evil in this world and there is also good in the world. We must reach out for the good in any manner or belief that we may have. We cannot let ourselves be so ignorant of this and leave opportunities for negativity, anxiety, jealousy, envy or plain ugly to invade our lives. Sometimes we must surrender and look for the good in ourselves, but most of all in others.

Happy Reading!!!!

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