Opal Siren

My life in dreams

2013: A year of dislocation

I cannot believe the holidays are here and the year is almost over. What a year it has been!

As I am writing, my husband and I are preparing for his shoulder surgery. The holiday spirit is simply not here. We are worried but hopeful that it will all turn out for the best.

My husband and I are not only dealing with the trauma of his shoulder, but also the trauma of the absence of my mother-in-law. There is simply not a day we do not think about her and miss her terribly. Right now, I would probably be calling her and asking her how I can help her son get through this surgery.

My husband’s shoulder has dislocated numerous times this year. Along with those painful dislocations, we both feel the pain, separation and sadness in our hearts as a result of our grief. It has been an adjustment to live life without his mother and now we have to adjust to the challenges of shoulder surgery. We have also had to adjust to his new career as a Chief Petty Officer in the U.S. Navy. I am happy to say that my husband is doing very well in his new role as a Chief and he has been able to establish new goals for his Navy career.

2013 also brought me a new job at a non-profit organization. It has been an extraordinary challenge to adapt in this field. I am not sure if this is something I am going to continue to pursue in the new year, but it has been an experience and at least I can say that I tried it!

On the other hand, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in the last few months and reading a lot about purpose and living an awakened life. Each day, I come to realize the importance to think about the now and what matters at this moment. My husband and I both understand the importance of gratitude for what we have and for the short time that we have here in the present. We cannot live for what happened or what is to come, but for the now. That is the biggest lesson I take with me in the new year and that I hope to be mindful of each day.

I really hope this holiday season and the new year brings all of us new opportunities to be creative, to be successful and to be prosperous.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year and Happy Reading!!!

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Respect Nature’s Course

I am struggling with aging and the natural course of life. This is not a good place to be when you are dealing with so many other issues. I am finding it very difficult to see myself in the very place my mother was a few years ago. Am I the only one that witnesses change and not being able to appreciate it? Why do I feel like I must hold on to the past or the present for that matter? Why can I not let go?…All of these emotions have blocked me from being able to be understanding of others.

But what struck me the most this week is that my husband is also dealing with changes related to grief. I often deal with grief and regret when it comes to my grandmother’s passing. Sometimes I want to kick myself and wish I can go back in time. I wish I could change some of my choices. But I cannot change any of my choices or any of the things that happened. It is a journey for the better or worse and it is not reversible.

I was in total shock when I failed to realize that my husband’s bad mood (He drove me insane this past week), was due to his grief. How did I not see that? My husband tends to go with the flow and is highly logical. I knew he was hurting and that he missed my mother-in-law, but I did not realize that some of his bad behavior was coming from a place of grief.

Part of the argument is that he often feels that no one understands how he is feeling. I have to somewhat agree with him, because we are all souls living in our bodies and are experiencing things differently. I also did not feel like anyone could or can understand the pain that I am dealing with daily. Due to the loss of my grandmother, I had a lot of suppressed pain because I felt I had to be the strong one for my mother and other family members. This thinking has led me to grief in pieces or a little each day; instead of letting the process of grief happen. It is my daily Hell. That does not mean, however, that I do not understand the degree of pain that my husband is feeling. Of course his pain is beyond measure now, because his loss is so recent. But all of this pain that I am feeling for the loss of my grandmother, and now my mother-in-law, has prevented me from seeing my husband’s pain manifest in other forms; like uneasiness and boredom. I am deeply regretful of this and I take ownership that I must work on this.

I watched Shirley MacLaine on Oprah’ Super Soul Sunday “The Best Of the Oprah Winfrey Show” today and she spoke about the metaphysical, grief and death. What I have learned from watching the show is this: The pain will eventually become less intense. It does not go away ,but we also must respect nature’s course. We must respect the individual’s right to pass on to the next life. I never thought of it that way..and it makes complete sense. There is a time for grief and a time to let go. That time may not be right now, tomorrow or maybe even in 20-years; but it will come.

For my husband Michael.

Happy Reading!!!

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I Miss You.

I know it has been a while. I am sorry! It has been a difficult month of June.

I would like to write about someone today, someone who I miss dearly.

So here it goes:

This is one is for you, to you …I miss you!

I miss our long talks about nothing and about Everything.

I miss your voice on the phone right after work, before work and at the most inappropriate times.

I miss your daily text each morning telling me how much you love me and how much you think about me.

I miss you telling me how much you worry about me and how I am like one of your own.

I miss sending you your monthly supply of Ensure, even though we both knew you were too young to be drinking that stuff.

I miss you visiting me and our talks about your cooking. What you made that day. How you treated you neighbors and your roommate to North Eastern delicacies.

I miss your daily gossip about something or someone and then having you change your mind about that person.

I won’t forget your smile, generosity and your wild spirit. Our arguments were classic but always ended on a happy note.

I am happy that I made you feel comfortable in speaking to me about anything you wanted. I know I never made you feel judged by your decisions and your actions. I know you never judged me.

We got along so well and we simply “got” each other. I was so lucky to have you in my life. I miss you.

Thank you for always being there for me in the good times and the not so great times. For being my listening ear and for taking my side;  even when I did not deserve it.

But, that is just how you were. You took charge and control of everything, even when you were not in charge. Even if at times we did not agree, you were going to live your way.

I want to thank you for watching Carrott, while Mike and I vacationed. I loved the room you booked for us. It is as if you were giving us a gift before your eternal good-bye.

I will never forget that day when Mike and I were so close to your home and we got the dreadful call. We arrived at your home to find all of your neighbors that you had spoken about so in-depth with me, way too many times. They each knew my name. They knew exactly who I was. I had never met them before and knew exactly who they were. They hugged me and tried to console me and I tried to do the same. It felt surreal.

But, thank you for speaking so highly of me. I am honored to have helped you and been there for you, just like you were there for me.

Thank you for coming to my wedding and having a blast. I was honored we were the only wedding you got to attend, out of all of your children.

Thank you for being my mother when I needed one.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for being the best mother-in-law a woman could ever have.

Thank you for keeping every piece of clothing or card I gave you.

I love you and I think about you every day!

I will miss you every day!

Love Always,

Your Daughter (in-law).

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