Opal Siren

My life in dreams

A good old-fashioned diary


The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I turned 31 without my husband. I am overwhelmed with the amount of information I have to learn at my new job. I am tired of the one hour commute to and from work every single day. I am even tired of my pet, Carrott Top, nagging me to take her out every minute of the day. I think I just about had it, and my husband cannot get home soon enough.

It’s time like these that a good old-fashioned dairy can really help. Blogs are great tool to write about diverse topics for people to relate to, and to also brag about your readership. But a diary is a great way to vent and not have to chew your best friend’s ear off. You also won’t need to worry about what people are going to think when they read what you wrote out of anger. I have written about diaries before, but in this post I want to discuss why they are so meaningful to me.

First, I know it is very old-fashioned and “stone age” like to have a diary. However, it has helped me immensely to get all of my frustrations and not-so proud moments out of my conscience. The simple act of grabbing a pen and just writing out my feelings, has served as a form of therapy for me. It is almost like going to the gym and working out all the stress and pent-up anger you have, but your mind does all the exercising.

Another reason to have a diary are the many choices in stationery that are available. You can buy an old-fashioned diary, buy some fancy paper and make your own, or just write yourself a letter that you can go back to and read. It is important to go back and read past entries to see where you were as a person, how you changed, and what you can do to be a better person.

After all, that is what life is about: How can we be better at listening, understanding, or work at having more patience?? Not one of us is the same as we were yesterday. There is always something in us that is changing, learning, and evolving whether we are aware of it or not. If you don’t believe me, write yourself a note right now. Read the note a year later. You will see that your hand writing, your way of thinking, or even the meaning of the note has changed for you.

Diaries are also a good way to give your hands and your eyes a break from monitors and keyboards. Take a break from technology and the everyday routine. Look at a beautiful piece of stationary, grab a fancy pen, and just let your mind have fun.

Happy Reading!!!

 

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Reality Bites


So the other day out of pure boredom I decided to read my old diary…Ok, who am I kidding?? I still write in it from time to time. I have written in this diary since the tender age of 13. I am now 30!!!. 

I was surprised, upset, happy and melancholic all at once. I started to read old entries of my 13-year-old self and some more recent ones, and boy have I changed. I don’t even recognize the young lady that was writing most of those entries. 

I have to say that my old self was very naive, loopy and oh so dramatic!!! I can not believe that most of the entries were about school, grades and family matters. Nothing juicy. Wow how boring was I? I would say that the majority of the entries was me venting my frustrations about school. I was sooo worried I was going to fail. Unfortunately, that part of me is still here. I am always worrying, and wondering, and hoping. Of course there were a few posts about boys liking me and me liking them, but nothing worth getting all excited about. I was so uptight!!! Thank God I have let my hair down a bit. 

To make matters worse, I have not had much luck getting a job in my field. Oh, and  I received my prestigious diploma today, out of all days. As many of you will recall, I graduated recently with a Master of Science Degree in Bioinformatics. I have no clue where to begin to gain an entry-level job in this field, and I have no experience. What was I thinking??? 

I guess I should feel happy that I got my diploma and I am done with that part of my life. That part of constant studying and taking exams is OVER. But I was quite sad when I got it in the mail. I thought about how I don’t even have interviews lined up, how I always made Dean’s list and graduated Summa Cum Laude for my undergraduate degree, and how I entered into my masters program with zero knowledge or experience; and yet I finished with a B+ average. And yet I feel so unfulfilled, unhappy, and worried. 

My husband is still deployed and he is usually the little bug that bites me back into reality and gives me motivation. I feel so uninspired, and quite frankly I have no energy to even put a suit together with a bright smile and shake hands with a recruiter. 

Of course my husband is a wonderful provider and he has no issues with me staying at home, but I don’t want to. I want something that is mine and that I go out each day and work for. I look at the faces of some people around me and I wonder: “Is this what they would have chosen for their lives, the constant and the mundane…or where they just forced to give up on their own dreams?”  I don’t know what it is, but most people I see look so unhappy and miserable. 

Am I trying so hard not to fail, that I am worrying too much and pushing away any possibility of success? Am I ever going to get a job that is decent and won’t leave me broke, because the gas money is much more than the actual paycheck? 

I have so much to ponder on and I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like it is make it or break it time. Or even better, I feel like I have to make this happen and even throw in a baby in the mix, because guess what?… my eggs are getting old too. Once again my hatred towards time begins, as I really do not want to rush through life like this. Can’t I just go back to my 13-year-old uptight self? 🙂

Happy Reading!!!

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