Opal Siren

My life in dreams

Reality Bites

So the other day out of pure boredom I decided to read my old diary…Ok, who am I kidding?? I still write in it from time to time. I have written in this diary since the tender age of 13. I am now 30!!!. 

I was surprised, upset, happy and melancholic all at once. I started to read old entries of my 13-year-old self and some more recent ones, and boy have I changed. I don’t even recognize the young lady that was writing most of those entries. 

I have to say that my old self was very naive, loopy and oh so dramatic!!! I can not believe that most of the entries were about school, grades and family matters. Nothing juicy. Wow how boring was I? I would say that the majority of the entries was me venting my frustrations about school. I was sooo worried I was going to fail. Unfortunately, that part of me is still here. I am always worrying, and wondering, and hoping. Of course there were a few posts about boys liking me and me liking them, but nothing worth getting all excited about. I was so uptight!!! Thank God I have let my hair down a bit. 

To make matters worse, I have not had much luck getting a job in my field. Oh, and  I received my prestigious diploma today, out of all days. As many of you will recall, I graduated recently with a Master of Science Degree in Bioinformatics. I have no clue where to begin to gain an entry-level job in this field, and I have no experience. What was I thinking??? 

I guess I should feel happy that I got my diploma and I am done with that part of my life. That part of constant studying and taking exams is OVER. But I was quite sad when I got it in the mail. I thought about how I don’t even have interviews lined up, how I always made Dean’s list and graduated Summa Cum Laude for my undergraduate degree, and how I entered into my masters program with zero knowledge or experience; and yet I finished with a B+ average. And yet I feel so unfulfilled, unhappy, and worried. 

My husband is still deployed and he is usually the little bug that bites me back into reality and gives me motivation. I feel so uninspired, and quite frankly I have no energy to even put a suit together with a bright smile and shake hands with a recruiter. 

Of course my husband is a wonderful provider and he has no issues with me staying at home, but I don’t want to. I want something that is mine and that I go out each day and work for. I look at the faces of some people around me and I wonder: “Is this what they would have chosen for their lives, the constant and the mundane…or where they just forced to give up on their own dreams?”  I don’t know what it is, but most people I see look so unhappy and miserable. 

Am I trying so hard not to fail, that I am worrying too much and pushing away any possibility of success? Am I ever going to get a job that is decent and won’t leave me broke, because the gas money is much more than the actual paycheck? 

I have so much to ponder on and I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like it is make it or break it time. Or even better, I feel like I have to make this happen and even throw in a baby in the mix, because guess what?… my eggs are getting old too. Once again my hatred towards time begins, as I really do not want to rush through life like this. Can’t I just go back to my 13-year-old uptight self? 🙂

Happy Reading!!!

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What I already know

We hear repetitive things all the time. That does not mean that we grasp them, pay attention to them, or care to notice. Sometimes we need reinforcement. The best answer, is the answer that we already know but fail to admit we know.

On my previous posts, I spoke about having strange dreams. In one of them, my grandfather appeared and informed me that he wanted to move. I am not sure if it was because in the dream I was being burglarized, or the stress of my life at the time, but he did mention that he wanted to move to another state. He showed me a piece of paper. In that piece of paper he had written two states: Iowa and Virginia. Well I had long guessed that my husband’s next duty station would be Virginia, since there are no ships in Iowa, and this dream confirmed it for me. Plus, Iowa was never on the table as an option. Funny….It is strange that many of my dreams are prophecies for me, or are they?  Maybe these dreams are just repeating what I already know very deep within my soul.

So, yes we are moving to Virginia. The news came to no surprise. However, it was bittersweet to my ears. The first time we moved to VA, I will admit I was not happy there. I was going through a difficult time with my husband being deployed, planning a wedding for our families, working 12-hour shifts, and driving to NJ every weekend. I was also going through a terrible time at my job at the time and was applying for Grad School. This time, I am still not a fan of where we are going, but I do have friends there that have recently moved to the area where we will be stationed. I also have some old friends I made while living there, so I am very hopeful that I will enjoy residing there a bit more this time. I am not planning a wedding or big event, and I can focus on my school work while my husband is deployed. This should definitely be a plus. I have also matured more and have a better understanding on what it takes to be a military spouse.

On the other hand, I already know that this semester is going to be a nightmare. My semester started yesterday, with one computer programming class and two Bioinformatics classes. They are advance, graduate level classes. They all require tons of reading, home work, midterms, and finals. So, not only will I be stressed out with the level of work, but I will also be hyperventilating while thinking about these tests. I am a terrible test taker!!!!

Wish me luck!!!!

Comments and Suggestions are always welcomed!!!

Happy Reading!!!

*** Image obtained from: http://cores.montana.edu/uploads/images/misc/Fxnl%20Genomics%20Core%20Facility/bioinformatics.jpg