My ten-year-old self

 

The other day, I was in my truck with my husband. I do not remember where we were headed or where we were coming from. Somehow, we got into a conversation about our personalities and our careers. Then, I started to talk to my husband about how I always did what was expected of me and still do because of the intense fear of not being accepted. I have deep security, abandonment and acceptance issues. All of these issues combined with years of traumatic events have really affected my decisions and how I am wired. 

My husband, who is very secure in himself, despite a difficult upbringing, turned to me and asked a very simple question that struck a nerve deep within me. He said: “What would you say to your 10-year-old self?”. 

This question really left me perplexed, surprised, it made me uncomfortable and angry. “I don’t know!” I replied. I suddenly got very defensive and felt out of control. 

After a moment of silence, I started to have flashbacks of myself as a little girl. I started to sob at the realization that all I wanted to do was reach out to that young, helpless girl and just hug her. I just wanted to protect her and hold her as tight as I could. Then, I started to think about how one day my children may ask about my past, my childhood, and my experiences. I realized that I need to work on these issues in a healthy way. I need to once and for all confront my past issues so that I can have a dialogue with my children and most importantly, so that I do not repeat the same destructive behaviors that I had to go through. 

I started to think about all the things I said to myself as a child that I wanted to do when I was a “grown-up”. I want to make that little girl from my flashback proud and that every moment of pain, neglect, suffering, and every other thing that chipped away at her joy was worth it. I want to tell her that happiness is here and we are ok. 

As mad as I was at my husband for pushing that uncomfortable button, I am happy to have a friend that is willing to challenge me and make me a better person. I feel that everyday I am a better woman because he challenges me from a place of love. I am so blessed to have his support and constant encouragement when I was used to so much loneliness; even at points in my life when I should have been playing and laughing out loud. 

So, I have embarked on a spiritual quest of healing and making myself a better person. I even updated my bucket’s list to say the things that my inner being really wants. I hope to give updates on my meditation journey and many other practices for spiritual well-being. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Happy Reading!!!!

A little meditation for me

For the past two months, I have been experimenting and researching about mediation, the power of our thoughts and yoga. In my quest, mostly through the OWN network, I have found some really good books to read, like A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle , and some really good philosophies on life, like Zen Buddhism.

I have been plagued by questions like: What is my purpose in this life? What can I do to be a better person or make a better contribution to the world around me? Why am I always so worried and anxious?

I do not have the answers to these questions, but through mediation, reading and being with my thoughts,  I have found some inner peace and time to spend with my inner self. Slowly, I am getting closer to the answers I need to alleviate some of my frustrations and concerns about my life.

I have to admit that I am a bit obsessed with Super Soul Sundays on the Own Network. If it was not for Oprah and these shows, which are broadcasted every sunday, I don’t know if I would at least be asking myself the right questions, like: “How can I connect more to others?”

But the most important lesson I have learned through this quest, is that I am already connected to nature and to God. I am not some entity on my own in this world. I have a connection with my fellow humans and with everything that lives on this planet. I am a human but I am also a soul with a spirit. There is some divinity in me and every single human on this Earth. I really have been able to understand myself  and others better. I also have been able to understand my religion and other religions as well, because I am more conscious that I am connected to everything and everything is connected to me.

It is in my humble opinion, whether you are a religious person or not, that mediation can really help us connect with our true beings and most of all help us be more authentic in our relationships. It can really calm us and quiet our inner voice for just a few moments, so that we can collect ourselves. Meditation can also better help us hear what it is that God, the universe or the energies that are, want from us as humans and as divine beings.

I am so grateful to have found sources of inspiration like Ekhart Tolle, so that I can at least ponder on their philosophies and bring more perspective and understanding to my own life. I truly hope that this journey helps me make better choices and eventually allows me to connect even more to nature. I hope that if you are interested in a journey like this, that you can also share me with me your own thoughts.

 

Happy Reading!

At the Nail Salon

The funny thing about dreams is how real they can seem. We can try to read into them or analyze them, but in the end we are more confused than when we are actually dreaming them.

The other night I had a very bizarre dream that left me confused and with more questions than answers.

It started with me walking into a nail salon???!!! WHAT! HAHAHHA I am laughing as I am writing this piece.

Yes, a NAIL SALON! I guess my guides, angels or spirits are telling me that I need a Spa day ASAP.

Anyway. as I entered into the salon I remembered everything being so sunny and bright. The background seemed orange color or yellowish. There were fans placed on the floor of the salon to cool everyone off, but it was not hot. The temperature was warm, but comfortable. It did not feel humid, hot or even uncomfortable. The air had a sweet aroma.

In the salon there were also these long hoses that were attached to tanks. They had oil in them. But not just any body oil. It was warm, clear and the fragrance was clean, smooth and not overpowering. It smelled like coconut, spices and citrus.

I was asked by the receptionist to sit at a table to get my nails done. She was young and very sweet, with long black hair and fair complexions. The technician smiled at me and asked me politely, again, to have a seat. He was friendly, of Vietnamese or Asian ethnic background. He had a very cool haircut. Almost like a long bob with highlights. As I sat down I took deep breath and he held both of my hands. He started to massage the oil into my hands and wrist. I kept thinking: “When is going to file my nails down or cut my cuticles? Should I get a pedicure?”

The technician proceeded to look at my hands and he took my right hand as he put the left one down on the table. He pulled at my fingers and said “There is nursing in your life. Your cousin is a nurse and she will take care of you when you are old”. I was perplexed as I was not sure what he was talking about. He then took the left hand and said “Ahhh. You want to get your PhD, but you are letting outside influences interfere with your life. I see T.V. or something with T.V. or Clinical Psychology”.

I quickly woke up confused and scared. Did I just get a palm reading in my dream? As it turns out it seems that I went for more than a manicure in my dream and it has left a very big impression on me. I am not sure how to interpret or read this one. The only thing I can say is that I do have a few cousins that are nurses. I do not know where the T.V. or Clinical Psych came in, but it could be something that I stored somewhere in my brain and it came out in this dream.

Dreams can be tricky and we can either ignore them or try to read into them. But maybe this dream is saying to me to leave things alone. Just leave things alone and let life unfold. You will be taken care of. Everything will be alright.

Happy Reading!!!

 

When you are in your thirties and childless….

My husband and I are used to the old questions “Do you guys have any children?” “When are you going to have any children?” “Why are you waiting?”

I mean, I can tell you that we have been married for six years as of 3-14-14, and we have heard these questions thousands of times. We would be millionaires if we collected a dollar each of the times the subject has come up.

It seems that the questions have gotten even more intense at work and even more frequent now that we are in our thirties. Every day I get grilled and told: “You need to have a baby, soon!”

My husband is turning 30 this year and the thought has come about a few times. We do want to add children to our family, but the truth is we are happy the way we are. We have been married a while, but during that time he has been deployed several times and he was 23 when we got married…23!!!  I was 26 when we got married but not more mature than he was, and I knew that. I did not want my husband’s Navy career to suffer by getting pregnant too early and without him being able to be present.

The other reason why we have waited sooo long to add to our family, is simply that we are a family period. We are not creating a family, we already are a family unit and are quite happy and satisfied. We both work, contribute to our home, have a wonderful dog that we tend to and do what we like each day. We feel happy and complete. We do not feel the need to”create a family”. We are each others best friends and partners. We would like to add to our family at some point because we want to, not because of a dire need to have a family. Also, it will happen when we both feel comfortable and when his career dictates.

I know it sounds awful that my husband’s career has to dictate our lives, and recently I had issues with this myself, but this is the reality we are both living in and I accept it. My husband is in the service, we both committed to this lifestyle and we both knew the consequences of being a military family. There are somethings he does not have a choice in and I have had to push back a lot of my own ambitions and dreams. That is what love and sacrifice is. When you truly love someone, sometimes there are things that you have to put aside or even push back. That is the biggest lesson I have learned in the past few months.

I will also say that I did not want my very young sailor husband to be a father, because I wanted him to have a fulfilling career. I wanted him to conquer his dreams. We were also not ready when we got married. Now we are ready but we are content and still not sure where the Navy is going to be moving us. I live in a military town and I see the tears in the children’s eyes when their fathers or mothers  have to leave on long deployments. I did not want to see those tears in my children’s eyes. That is why we are waiting as long as we can to have children. We will wait as close to his retirement as possible, if we have to, in order to avoid unnecessary stress and anguish on myself and our future offspring.

And so, although it is hard to see other couples with their children, we are often not invited to things because we do not have children, get strange looks because we are childless in our thirties, we know what is best for our family. All things happen when they are meant to happen 🙂

Happy Reading!!!!

 

Hello March???!!!!

I cannot believe it is March already! Where did February go?

So much happened in the month of February that I feel like I am barely catching up to myself!!!

Also, Wow is it cold out here in VA! When is it going to stop snowing??? It seems that there is a storm right around the corner each week!  Someone must have really ticked off Jack Frost!

My anxiety levels have been really high lately. I received a promotion and then I had to turn it down. It was in Austin, TX and it would have been too stressful for my husband and I to be apart, with the extension that is upon us from the Navy; unbeknown to us until recently.  Yes! we are being extended here in VA for at least another 3 years!  I was so disappointed and as you can imagine so was my employer. Things are not so great at work and I am holding on with faith until something better comes along. My husband and I have been going to our local Catholic church and we have met with a wonderful priest there. He is witty, funny and his sermons are very entertaining and  unconventional to say the least. Each week I look for sources of inspiration that would help me move forward…Life goes on!  This priest, however, has really motivated us to continue our spiritual growth and not just focus on tradition and dogma.

I did have a dream the other night that I was walking through a beautiful valley with, what I believe was, Jesus/God? I did not see a face. Only that the person I was walking with was male, very tall, and had sandals on his feet and a robe on. As we walked side by side, he held my hand and told me: “You need to take it down a notch!”….I woke up the next morning and started to laugh so hard. Even God had to tell me to calm down!

On other news, I loved watching the Winter Olympics this year;  except, once again, I hated the uniforms for the US Team! The tops looked like tacky Christmas sweaters from twenty years ago. I was happy that the events were held in Sochi, Russia. I do realize that Russia and the US have had an icy past and a lukewarm present. However, I was happy for the people of Russia. They have been through so much strife, poverty and uncertainty, that it was refreshing to see such a special event take place in their homeland.

And as I am concluding this post, I am watching The Academy Awards, aka The Oscars. What can I say….Gravity is taking it all as well as 12 Years A Slave, and Lupita is gorgeous. However, Jared Leto has given the best speech thus far. His reference to those struggling in the Ukraine and Venezuela warmed my heart, as well as his constant mentioning of his mother which makes any girl tear up.

Happy Reading!!! 

2014 Here we go!

Happy New Year!!!

I am so excited for this new year and all the wonderful things that it is going to bring.

I know it! I know it is going to be a good year. I feel it in the air. It feels like I have taken my dark sunglasses off and I am able to see things clearer. I know you feel it too.

My husband and I decided to start the year right and give thanks the our Creator. We attended mass and plan to attend as often as we can to lift our spirits and appreciate all that we have.  As we sat there listening to the priest give his sermon, I was shocked to hear him say that he was anxiously waiting for the Downtown Abbey premier. I have never seen the show, but it is a good sign to listen to a priest with such a great sense of humor. The service was so light, funny and finally entertaining with a strong spiritual message: God leads us into the most unexpected paths! I know 2014 is going to be one of those unexpected paths for me.

In addition, last night was a good indication that it is going to be not just a good year but a spectacular one as well. I dreamed of my late grandmother. Oh, how I love having dreams with her in them. I spoke with her for a moment, but I do not remember what was said. All I remember is that we walked through a beautiful, very high cliff. From the top of that cliff I could see a lake and people swimming in it and having the best time. The lake was very clear. I could see the very bottom of the lake from where I was standing and I could see how deep it was. I remember thinking “Wow! That lake is so deep. I would drown swimming in there!”. But for some reason I did not feel scared or anxious that I would fall into it. The opposite is true. I felt so happy and comfortable walking at the edge of that cliff and seeing how calm and clear the water was. My grandmother gave me a guitar and asked me to play something for her. I do not know how to play an instrument so I am not sure why she asked me to play. However, in the dream I started to play so confidently and well. I was surprised as I was playing all sorts of songs and started to move with the music. I never felt so happy in a dream.

It is not the first time I have heard music or singing in my dreams. Personally, I think it is a good sign that abundance, brilliance and happiness is upon us. I felt so joyful and I know that I will feel that way again at some point this year. My mind and spirit have never been so positive. I know that we are here to create, explore, make mistakes and start over. I know that we are on the right path already and that the most important thing is to share and feel love. I know that this year will be a manifestation of all those things I have mentioned and more.

Happy Reading and Cheers to a Brilliant Year!!!

2013: A year of dislocation

I cannot believe the holidays are here and the year is almost over. What a year it has been!

As I am writing, my husband and I are preparing for his shoulder surgery. The holiday spirit is simply not here. We are worried but hopeful that it will all turn out for the best.

My husband and I are not only dealing with the trauma of his shoulder, but also the trauma of the absence of my mother-in-law. There is simply not a day we do not think about her and miss her terribly. Right now, I would probably be calling her and asking her how I can help her son get through this surgery.

My husband’s shoulder has dislocated numerous times this year. Along with those painful dislocations, we both feel the pain, separation and sadness in our hearts as a result of our grief. It has been an adjustment to live life without his mother and now we have to adjust to the challenges of shoulder surgery. We have also had to adjust to his new career as a Chief Petty Officer in the U.S. Navy. I am happy to say that my husband is doing very well in his new role as a Chief and he has been able to establish new goals for his Navy career.

2013 also brought me a new job at a non-profit organization. It has been an extraordinary challenge to adapt in this field. I am not sure if this is something I am going to continue to pursue in the new year, but it has been an experience and at least I can say that I tried it!

On the other hand, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in the last few months and reading a lot about purpose and living an awakened life. Each day, I come to realize the importance to think about the now and what matters at this moment. My husband and I both understand the importance of gratitude for what we have and for the short time that we have here in the present. We cannot live for what happened or what is to come, but for the now. That is the biggest lesson I take with me in the new year and that I hope to be mindful of each day.

I really hope this holiday season and the new year brings all of us new opportunities to be creative, to be successful and to be prosperous.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year and Happy Reading!!!

Plans Never Work

The other day I watched the movie “PS I Love You” with Gerard Butler, Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others. I love this film. I love the Irish flare, the landscape, the love story, the power and strength that Holly (Hilary Swank) must find within herself to move on and create a life for herself. She must find out who she is, all while dealing with the loss of her soul mate and husband. Her story is a reminder that life is not permanent and things can change rather too quickly and without any warning. Life is disorder, chaos, inconsistent and unplanned; no matter how organized we may want to make it.

Every time I watch this movie I cry. The love story is very similar to my life with my husband. I am the crazy, super orderly, have no clue what do with my life, girl. My husband is the carefree, let’s see what happens, funny, tell-it-like it is, let me find ways to annoy my wife, type of guy. I cannot imagine being without him and yet we have endured periods of separation, anxiety and loss. Every time my husband goes on deployment, or there is a threat that he may have to go on one, I feel a knot in my stomach and the agony of the thought that it will be months before I see my husband again. I have separation and abandonment issues from childhood and I cannot bear being away from him; even when I need a break from him.

However, each time I watch this movie I learn something new. The first time I watched it, I learned that sooner or later we all must pick up the pieces and move on. The memories of those that have passed on will always stay with us and will shape us. When I watched the movie this time,  I also learned that all the lists in the world cannot prepare me for a life of chaos and constant change. I love the saying that Gerry (Gerard Butler) says to Holly, something along the lines: “That’s okay, luv. Your plans never work out, anyway”.  I love this quote!!! Why did I not notice this quote before? The quote is so true, at least for me. My plans never work! Maybe plans are not supposed to work. Maybe we are not supposed to be orderly and live by lists and know what the next step should be.

One way to look at plans,  is that they are soul consuming and really keep us in a state of worry and stress about the next step. Maybe life just needs to flow and we need to just let go and let it happen. I am not saying I am not going to be a responsible adult, but maybe I need to worry less and just take it one day at a time. Something good can come out of disorder and chaos. Just by looking at nature and life itself, humanity, all of it was not even suppose to exists. Out of the chaos of the universe something beautiful and magical emerged: Our species emerged and evolved. That is something to be thankful…

What do you think?

Happy Thanksgiving!  🙂

Happy Reading!!!

Respect Nature’s Course

I am struggling with aging and the natural course of life. This is not a good place to be when you are dealing with so many other issues. I am finding it very difficult to see myself in the very place my mother was a few years ago. Am I the only one that witnesses change and not being able to appreciate it? Why do I feel like I must hold on to the past or the present for that matter? Why can I not let go?…All of these emotions have blocked me from being able to be understanding of others.

But what struck me the most this week is that my husband is also dealing with changes related to grief. I often deal with grief and regret when it comes to my grandmother’s passing. Sometimes I want to kick myself and wish I can go back in time. I wish I could change some of my choices. But I cannot change any of my choices or any of the things that happened. It is a journey for the better or worse and it is not reversible.

I was in total shock when I failed to realize that my husband’s bad mood (He drove me insane this past week), was due to his grief. How did I not see that? My husband tends to go with the flow and is highly logical. I knew he was hurting and that he missed my mother-in-law, but I did not realize that some of his bad behavior was coming from a place of grief.

Part of the argument is that he often feels that no one understands how he is feeling. I have to somewhat agree with him, because we are all souls living in our bodies and are experiencing things differently. I also did not feel like anyone could or can understand the pain that I am dealing with daily. Due to the loss of my grandmother, I had a lot of suppressed pain because I felt I had to be the strong one for my mother and other family members. This thinking has led me to grief in pieces or a little each day; instead of letting the process of grief happen. It is my daily Hell. That does not mean, however, that I do not understand the degree of pain that my husband is feeling. Of course his pain is beyond measure now, because his loss is so recent. But all of this pain that I am feeling for the loss of my grandmother, and now my mother-in-law, has prevented me from seeing my husband’s pain manifest in other forms; like uneasiness and boredom. I am deeply regretful of this and I take ownership that I must work on this.

I watched Shirley MacLaine on Oprah’ Super Soul Sunday “The Best Of the Oprah Winfrey Show” today and she spoke about the metaphysical, grief and death. What I have learned from watching the show is this: The pain will eventually become less intense. It does not go away ,but we also must respect nature’s course. We must respect the individual’s right to pass on to the next life. I never thought of it that way..and it makes complete sense. There is a time for grief and a time to let go. That time may not be right now, tomorrow or maybe even in 20-years; but it will come.

For my husband Michael.

Happy Reading!!!

Reaching out for the good in life

Last night I had a horrific nightmare. (PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PRONE TO SCARE EASILY)

I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and scared to death! I could not catch my breath, and the horror of what I just had seen would not go away from my mind.

I woke up my husband and began to sob like a child. There was nothing that could comfort me and to be honest I am still freaked out by this dream. I was so tempted to call my mother in AZ, but due to the time difference it would had worried her.

I dreamed that I was in very dark room in what appeared to be a castle. The room was cold and I could barely see right in front of me. I kept seeing ghosts walking in front of me but could not tell who they were or what they wanted.  It seemed that they were just walking without any purpose and it was a tactic by an evil presence to scare me.

I saw one of my younger brothers (who is 15-years-old and is also a twin) laying in a bed in a horrific state…He was possessed by a demon. Worst of all he kept taunting me and looking straight at me as to antagonize me. His teeth were pointy and his face kept changing to that of a monster. I felt the presence of something very evil around me and I felt lonely and scared. I kept looking around for help but there was no one I could reach out to. I truly felt like the presence of God was no were to be found. I kept praying over and over for protection. But the more I prayed the sadder and scarier I felt.  It was not until I yelled in my dream: “In the name of Jesus Christ, whatever is not supposed to be here must leave and leave me in peace”, that I woke up scared, vulnerable and shaken.

My husband tried to comfort me, but I was shaking uncontrollably. I tried to go about my day the best I could, but the memory of this dream keeps coming back and each time it scares me even more. I  never again want to feel like the presence of God is nowhere to be found and coldness and loneliness prevails.

I normally try to rationalize what the dream means or what I am going through in my life that would trigger such a dream. This time I just prayed. Maybe there are things we are not supposed to know and this is a serious warning. I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I just want the peace and clarity that prayer and the presence of good brings into my life.

The meaning of this dream is not relevant. Things will happen as they should and sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent it. All I can do is surrender to God and let him take charge. I never again want to be without his love, his presence, his mercy and his comfort.  I know for sure there is evil in this world and there is also good in the world. We must reach out for the good in any manner or belief that we may have. We cannot let ourselves be so ignorant of this and leave opportunities for negativity, anxiety, jealousy, envy or plain ugly to invade our lives. Sometimes we must surrender and look for the good in ourselves, but most of all in others.

Happy Reading!!!!