Opal Siren

My life in dreams

My ten-year-old self


 

The other day, I was in my truck with my husband. I do not remember where we were headed or where we were coming from. Somehow, we got into a conversation about our personalities and our careers. Then, I started to talk to my husband about how I always did what was expected of me and still do because of the intense fear of not being accepted. I have deep security, abandonment and acceptance issues. All of these issues combined with years of traumatic events have really affected my decisions and how I am wired. 

My husband, who is very secure in himself, despite a difficult upbringing, turned to me and asked a very simple question that struck a nerve deep within me. He said: “What would you say to your 10-year-old self?”. 

This question really left me perplexed, surprised, it made me uncomfortable and angry. “I don’t know!” I replied. I suddenly got very defensive and felt out of control. 

After a moment of silence, I started to have flashbacks of myself as a little girl. I started to sob at the realization that all I wanted to do was reach out to that young, helpless girl and just hug her. I just wanted to protect her and hold her as tight as I could. Then, I started to think about how one day my children may ask about my past, my childhood, and my experiences. I realized that I need to work on these issues in a healthy way. I need to once and for all confront my past issues so that I can have a dialogue with my children and most importantly, so that I do not repeat the same destructive behaviors that I had to go through. 

I started to think about all the things I said to myself as a child that I wanted to do when I was a “grown-up”. I want to make that little girl from my flashback proud and that every moment of pain, neglect, suffering, and every other thing that chipped away at her joy was worth it. I want to tell her that happiness is here and we are ok. 

As mad as I was at my husband for pushing that uncomfortable button, I am happy to have a friend that is willing to challenge me and make me a better person. I feel that everyday I am a better woman because he challenges me from a place of love. I am so blessed to have his support and constant encouragement when I was used to so much loneliness; even at points in my life when I should have been playing and laughing out loud. 

So, I have embarked on a spiritual quest of healing and making myself a better person. I even updated my bucket’s list to say the things that my inner being really wants. I hope to give updates on my meditation journey and many other practices for spiritual well-being. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Happy Reading!!!!

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