Opal Siren

My life in dreams

Respect Nature’s Course

on November 11, 2013

I am struggling with aging and the natural course of life. This is not a good place to be when you are dealing with so many other issues. I am finding it very difficult to see myself in the very place my mother was a few years ago. Am I the only one that witnesses change and not being able to appreciate it? Why do I feel like I must hold on to the past or the present for that matter? Why can I not let go?…All of these emotions have blocked me from being able to be understanding of others.

But what struck me the most this week is that my husband is also dealing with changes related to grief. I often deal with grief and regret when it comes to my grandmother’s passing. Sometimes I want to kick myself and wish I can go back in time. I wish I could change some of my choices. But I cannot change any of my choices or any of the things that happened. It is a journey for the better or worse and it is not reversible.

I was in total shock when I failed to realize that my husband’s bad mood (He drove me insane this past week), was due to his grief. How did I not see that? My husband tends to go with the flow and is highly logical. I knew he was hurting and that he missed my mother-in-law, but I did not realize that some of his bad behavior was coming from a place of grief.

Part of the argument is that he often feels that no one understands how he is feeling. I have to somewhat agree with him, because we are all souls living in our bodies and are experiencing things differently. I also did not feel like anyone could or can understand the pain that I am dealing with daily. Due to the loss of my grandmother, I had a lot of suppressed pain because I felt I had to be the strong one for my mother and other family members. This thinking has led me to grief in pieces or a little each day; instead of letting the process of grief happen. It is my daily Hell. That does not mean, however, that I do not understand the degree of pain that my husband is feeling. Of course his pain is beyond measure now, because his loss is so recent. But all of this pain that I am feeling for the loss of my grandmother, and now my mother-in-law, has prevented me from seeing my husband’s pain manifest in other forms; like uneasiness and boredom. I am deeply regretful of this and I take ownership that I must work on this.

I watched Shirley MacLaine on Oprah’ Super Soul Sunday “The Best Of the Oprah Winfrey Show” today and she spoke about the metaphysical, grief and death. What I have learned from watching the show is this: The pain will eventually become less intense. It does not go away ,but we also must respect nature’s course. We must respect the individual’s right to pass on to the next life. I never thought of it that way..and it makes complete sense. There is a time for grief and a time to let go. That time may not be right now, tomorrow or maybe even in 20-years; but it will come.

For my husband Michael.

Happy Reading!!!

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