Opal Siren

My life in dreams

Reality Bites

on July 15, 2012

So the other day out of pure boredom I decided to read my old diary…Ok, who am I kidding?? I still write in it from time to time. I have written in this diary since the tender age of 13. I am now 30!!!. 

I was surprised, upset, happy and melancholic all at once. I started to read old entries of my 13-year-old self and some more recent ones, and boy have I changed. I don’t even recognize the young lady that was writing most of those entries. 

I have to say that my old self was very naive, loopy and oh so dramatic!!! I can not believe that most of the entries were about school, grades and family matters. Nothing juicy. Wow how boring was I? I would say that the majority of the entries was me venting my frustrations about school. I was sooo worried I was going to fail. Unfortunately, that part of me is still here. I am always worrying, and wondering, and hoping. Of course there were a few posts about boys liking me and me liking them, but nothing worth getting all excited about. I was so uptight!!! Thank God I have let my hair down a bit. 

To make matters worse, I have not had much luck getting a job in my field. Oh, and  I received my prestigious diploma today, out of all days. As many of you will recall, I graduated recently with a Master of Science Degree in Bioinformatics. I have no clue where to begin to gain an entry-level job in this field, and I have no experience. What was I thinking??? 

I guess I should feel happy that I got my diploma and I am done with that part of my life. That part of constant studying and taking exams is OVER. But I was quite sad when I got it in the mail. I thought about how I don’t even have interviews lined up, how I always made Dean’s list and graduated Summa Cum Laude for my undergraduate degree, and how I entered into my masters program with zero knowledge or experience; and yet I finished with a B+ average. And yet I feel so unfulfilled, unhappy, and worried. 

My husband is still deployed and he is usually the little bug that bites me back into reality and gives me motivation. I feel so uninspired, and quite frankly I have no energy to even put a suit together with a bright smile and shake hands with a recruiter. 

Of course my husband is a wonderful provider and he has no issues with me staying at home, but I don’t want to. I want something that is mine and that I go out each day and work for. I look at the faces of some people around me and I wonder: “Is this what they would have chosen for their lives, the constant and the mundane…or where they just forced to give up on their own dreams?”  I don’t know what it is, but most people I see look so unhappy and miserable. 

Am I trying so hard not to fail, that I am worrying too much and pushing away any possibility of success? Am I ever going to get a job that is decent and won’t leave me broke, because the gas money is much more than the actual paycheck? 

I have so much to ponder on and I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like it is make it or break it time. Or even better, I feel like I have to make this happen and even throw in a baby in the mix, because guess what?… my eggs are getting old too. Once again my hatred towards time begins, as I really do not want to rush through life like this. Can’t I just go back to my 13-year-old uptight self? 🙂

Happy Reading!!!

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